I love this time of the year, it’s a time of setting new years resolutions, new goals, and exciting plans for the year to come.
As I look back on the year that is about to end, the changes that happened during the year have been mindblowing.
The year started with the exciting plans of moving to Queensland with my partner, from Country Victoria, and settling into our country home on 5 acres. This has been a dream of mine for ages, to live in a cottage in the country. Fast forward a few months and I was packing up and leaving that beautiful area, with only what I could fit in the car. I was discarded, by who I now know is a narcissist. He decided I had served my purpose and became very nasty and I was not putting up with that.
I miss our little house and our visiting kangaroos and the quiet location, but I certainly don’t miss him. I enjoyed a couple of months in Melbourne, catching up with all my friends and family. I have had limited contact with the last couple of years. Partly Covid, but mainly the EX. Looking back the red flags were there. I had no idea what a Narcissist was, I do now!! Melbourne was great, but I couldn’t live there again, it was no longer home for me, so Tasmania, where I grew up, was the place to be.
I have, with the help from family, renovated an old shed on Mum & dads block as a bedsit for me and it has given me the independence I crave, yet still close by for my elderly parents. Perfect solution. I have decorated my space, just the way I like, and no one to criticizse me or make fun of the quirky things I do.
Tassie Life is great and it is certainly different. weather is more moderate and less extreme than Victorian weather. So a whole new wardrobe – thank goodness for op shops as I left the relationship with $20 in my purse, Financial abuse was another thing I left behind.
I started a cleaning business, to bring in some money when I got to Tassie. I could have easily signed up for a carers pension, as Dad has been diagnosed with MND, but that was not an option, as, at 59, I need to think about my financial future. It has been a busy few months, getting the room finished, which it is now and I am starting to get back on my feet financially.
The changes keep coming
I started an online business in personal development, a couple of years ago, which I had enjoyed building, however, once I got to Tassie, I couldn’t get back into it, my ex is part of the business, and energetically he is still part of it. It was costing me money every month, almost as much as my car payment. So I made the decision, to walk away from that business, and do something different, where there was no connection to the EX.
I have been in direct selling, for most of my working life, and qualified for many overseas trips and bought a house and new cars over that time. Due to not getting the right financial advice and not planning for the future – I am not set up the way I should be. So I decided the answer is to get back into what I know with a new company. As I want to buy my own home, a country cottage, this time with my name on the title. I never want to be at the mercy of landlords and the uncertainty of renting. I also have a car in my ex’s name and mine, so that has to go too. I have also missed traveling and so looking forward to a new journey, with a beautiful company, and anti-aging hair & skincare products. I am building a team of like-minded women who are like me, looking for financial stability.
Being financially secure is huge for me, I am not interested in flashy things. I am practical and want to have the income to live comfortably, be able to help my kids and parents out, and not rely on government assistance ever!! So many women in their 50s & 60s are living in precarious situations, on the verge of homelessness and having no job prospects, as too old. It’s scary and also our superannuation is also nonexistent. I have a solution to help women get back on track and change their futures. Direct Selling changed my life many years ago and I am forever grateful. Reach out if you want to talk more about what I am doing.
I am excited about my new journey as I close this year out. It is a year, that will go down as the most challenging year ever, but also the year that has taught me the most lessons. I am resilient, I have bounced back from narcissistic abuse, and I am happier, healthier, and focused on creating a whole new future.
Tasmania was never a place I was ever going to move back to, but I am so glad I did. It is a lovely peaceful, healing place, and so very beautiful.
I have reconnected with friends from my school days and made lovely new friends and strengthened other relationships. Time with my mum and dad is very precious, so I am enjoying this time with them, and being able to help them out in their later years is a gift.
I am no longer cleaning as that was trading time for $$$ and not going to help me to buy a home. I am now fully focused on building my direct selling business and also having time to help out Mum & Dad as they need it. I choose how I spend my time and that is hugely important to me. Every day is a gift and I plan to enjoy it.
I have set my goals and put plans in place and I am so ready to kick off 2023 next week and create a completely new future. In the meantime, I am enjoying this time with my family. My youngest grandson and his mum & dad, who are visiting from Melbourne, and some downtime.
I am back house sitting and it feels great. It feels so good to enjoy house sitting again. I enjoyed a lovely 6 week sit in Melbourne back in June, which gave me the space after leaving my ex in QLD and making the move away from a toxic situation to heal and entertain friends and learn to be on my own again.
I am building my online income so I can do more and more of this. I am currently house-sitting in a gorgeous cabin on Table Cape, not far from my home base, where I am living with my parents.
The views are amazing and it is a very tranquil spot to relax,
I have had some lovely house sits over the years, all around Melbourne, & Victoria, NSW & Perth, I have enjoyed coastal sits and country sits and beautiful homes and lovely animals.
All with varying lengths from a few days to 3 months. It is a great way to explore areas and live like a local, as that is the only way I travel. I like to blend in. It’s fun exploring areas and having the time to do so.
I gave up house sitting years ago, as I wanted to settle in one spot, which I did in the lovely town of Milawa, in Northeast Victoria, and then after meeting my Ex ( Narc) I moved to Wodonga.
We did enjoy a couple of house sits together. However, he liked to take all the credit for how good he was with the animals.
I look back and not once did he acknowledge that it was my experience and my reputation and reviews that got us the house sit, hence saving us $100’s in accommodation in Perth, where we went for a friend’s wedding, and Melbourne to catch up with family.
They do twist things around to suit themselves.
A home base is important to me and that will not change, however, I will continue to do occasional house sits, mainly in Tassie as there is so much of this lovely state to see. Although I grew up here, I left when I was 30, and there are so many places, I would like to explore and revisit and have more time to enjoy what Tassie has to offer.
I highly recommend house sitting as a great way to travel and explore and happy to share any advice, just reach out.
A couple of things that help are a current Police Check and even some practice sits for friends to get some references.
I have a lot to be grateful for during my time with this “amazing” man, he did help me to be more confident and dress more confidently in the early stages of our relationship, I never wore dresses before I met him and after encouragement from him, I actually love wearing dresses, something that will continue. Looking back though that is all part of their facade, and the idealisation phase as the control is starting, but it’s so subtle, you think they are doing it to help you, but no – it’s all about them taking charge of your wardrobe and what you can and cannot wear. You don’t notice it as they make you feel so good. He stopped me wearing cardigans because he said it makes you look old. They are all about the image and he couldn’t be with someone that looked old. So I stopped wearing cardigans!!!! I also wore shorts down to my knee, thinking I had wrinkly knees, he encouraged me to wear shorter shorts, and again love them now and will continue while I can.
One thing that stands out now is whenever I bought a dress and I lived in them, especially in the summer, as it was a very hot climate, however they were always, in his eyes too long. I stood my ground and kept them at a length I was happy with, I was in my late 50’s, and I was not a teenager anymore, I look back now and think, he would be wanting me to still be wearing short shorts & dresses well into my 60’s and beyond when really that would be the last thing I would be wearing. We all get to an age where we have to accept, that what we could wear a decade ago, just does not work anymore. I still remember following this lady, I was in NZ at the time on holiday into a hotel bistro on a warm night and she had on white shorts and a tank top and looked quite young, with an older guy. however, once I saw her face, she was well in her 60s and it looked like she was hanging on to her youth, Quite sad really, now I am expecting she was expected to dress like that.!! That would have been me if I hadn’t woken up and walked away.
Image is so important and his catchphrase was looking good for each other, as so many people get slobby and I agree to a point, but it is exhausting to always be looking good. I often had stains on my tops and around the home, but it didn’t worry me, I wore one particular teeshirt toward the end a lot because it had a stain on it, that I know would have really annoyed him!!!! I love being comfortable and again that is their control over you and they mold you into becoming their ideal person. All part of the game and you don’t realise what is happening. I would be getting ready to go out and he would be picking on me, little things like a bit of fluff, etc, or fixing my collar, it was like I couldn’t be trusted to check the mirror before I left the house. We had some arguments about that as I found that very annoying, he always had a comeback with he didn’t want me to be embarrassed,. WTF – it was all about he didn’t want me to embarrass him!! It’s a mind game – the whole lot and because it feels like everything they do is because they care you go along with it, and slowly your self-worth is being eroded away. By now, it is easier to go along with it, so you stop wearing cardigans, you end up making sure you look good all the time and what you wear meets their approval. You throw out clothes to the op shop that no longer work or fit and mold your wardrobe and your image to suit them. I do wish I had my county road ¾ jeans, that I bought many many years ago in San Fran Cisco and loved and they had become fashionable because they had holes in them from wear. . They ended up too big for me as I had lost weight as they were falling off and looked daggy, but that’s what happens and you just don’t realise you are playing into becoming just what they want you to be.
As I look back, I notice that where there were some good things about making changes to my wardrobe, it was also exhausting keeping up with his expectations. I love getting dirty, especially painting, and can happily sit around in paint-spattered clothes, and with paint on me in the early days, he would make a joke about me getting paint behind my knees and how I get paint on my clothes ( i have clothes, especially for painting for that reason) Towards the end it became a massive issue, caused a huge row, because I got paint on the cooktop, and was told I had to learn to be a neat painter.
However, he bragged that he never got paint on his clothes ever, which was true. He was obsessed with cleanliness and his clothes had to be spotless. Whereas I couldn’t care less around the home and had clothes that I wore just around home. – I have even gone to the hardware shop ( before ex) in daggy paint-covered shorts.
The obsession with his image is again one of the traits of a narcissist.
The episode, with the painting, was the final straw, where I woke up to what was happening and realised I was in a verbally abusive relationship. I had heard about narcissists – but didn’t know a lot about them and i had no idea that I was in a relationship with one.
I started doing some more research and found a great support group on Narcisuuits and i discovered in there that I was definitely living with a Covert Narcissist – harder to pick and are very mean and nasty when the mask comes off.
“ A covert narcissist has a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but does not display a sense of self-importance often associated with the condition. They may deal with insecurity and low self-esteem.”
In reflection as I look back on how it all played out, it would be so easy to beat myself up and think to myself, how could i be so stupid, but no, that is not the answer, as I did nothing wrong, I was played and because it is so subtle, you are not aware. So no, I am not beating myself up, I am educating myself, and learning a lot about narcissists and by sharing my story, I hope I am able to help others to also see it. I am not going to be a victim of abuse. Staying in that mode means he still has control over me and that is not happening
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” — Maya Angelou
I will leave this blog here, stay tuned for more to come. Share this with others as you never know, it might just help someone recognize what sort of relationship they are in.
Yes, it was a fairy tale, I was looking for a life partner, and I had decided I wanted to meet someone to set up a house with and create a future with. I was 56 and I didn’t want to be alone. For some reason, I had made the decision, I couldn’t be happy unless I was with someone. Really!!!
How it all began. I had been house-sitting for quite a few years, Uber driving, and earning my income online. I had settled in a lovely part of Northeast Victoria in Milawa, and I was setting up a home. I was upcycling furniture and enjoying myself by making my home a home. I attended a local market as a stall holder only a few weeks after moving there and this lovely Rotarian helped me carry my table. We had an instant connection and the fairy tale began. Coffee that afternoon ended up being dinner, roast lamb to be exact, and he had reeled me in hook line & sinker.
Within 2 weeks he was declaring his love for me and we were spending so much time together. I lived about 50 mins away, so within a month or two he started saying, I could move in with him. I hesitated as it seemed all a bit quick, but they are so convincing and within 5 months I had given up my independence and moved in with him. I look back now and shake my head, as there were so many RED FLAGS, but I had no idea about narcissists.
I am a very trusting person and always see the good in people. So I had no idea what I was letting myself in for. On the surface, he was an amazing guy and we were so good together, in hindsight – it is called the LOVE BOMBING Stage. They also mirror you. They act as someone as though they are just like you and just what you need in order to manipulate you as they please.
Life was great, we set up a house together, and we had some fights, but nothing major, I put it down to learning how to live together. I did start to notice he was quite demanding of my attention, but hey, I thought that was normal. In my last relationship, I was with a guy and we lived in separate houses, so it was totally different, and my marriage to my kid’s dad was not a love affair by any means. We married very young and just drifted apart.
So in my eyes, I really thought I had struck gold and had a real relationship where I was loved and adored. As for RED FLAGS, like 2 ex-wives, a string of girlfriends, moving 500 plus km away to start afresh, I look at that now, and really all the signs were there. I had no idea!!!! I was oblivious to everything.
Life was great – we took country drives, traveled to Perth, and Tassie, and had a great time exploring. I really thought I was settled for life.
Slowly a few things happened, threats every time we had an argument, I had to pack up and leave, but I am stubborn. I had nowhere to go, so I was stuck. And then we would makeup and it would be great again. All the time we were together the 3 years & 3 months though, I was being manipulated, undermined, and isolated from my friends and family.
Again though I had no idea. Most of the time, we were great together and we had a great time together. Again that is how good the Covert Narcissist is at hiding their true agenda. So why would I even think anything was wrong.
Fast forward to a couple of years and we decided to make the move to Queensland that’s where it all started to come apart. That’s for another blog though.
I want to leave you with a few thoughts.
I have learned so much about Narcissuits, especially Covert Narcissists. I have also been blown away by how many people have been affected by them and also know there are so many people that have no idea they are in a narcissistic relationship. So my hope is by sharing my story. and I have lots more to share, as someone who was a very confident person, to be reduced to a person, in my daughter’s words as shrinking!!! I am not going to be quiet, I am shouting from the rooftops to help other women escape from these horrible horrible relationships.
Stay tuned for the continuation of the ” Fairytale” and if you can relate or have had a similar experience comment below
Today more than ever, looking after our mindset is very important. Inner Peace and living your values is the key to a happy life.
Inner Peace, isn’t that what we’d all love to experience consistently as we weave our paths through everything life gives us? The good news is it is far simpler to attain than many of our outer (material or physical) goals. The bad news is that simple isn’t always easy! Attaining inner peace is not easy because it means replacing old habits with new ones, and that requires dedicated commitment. But the benefits are absolutely worth the effort.
Inner peace gives you the ability to live your life with a sense of happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment which is not disturbed or influenced by outside events. How do you acquire it? By living your life your own way, not how others think you should. By not worrying about what others think of you – we all judge others (both positively and negatively) according to our own values, but if we try to live our lives in a way which honours somebody else’s values rather than our own, we’ll always have a little gnawing discomfort going on deep inside.
To experience inner peace, we also need to be able to forgive and let go of guilt. Forgive yourself and forgive others. Feeling guilty about past actions won’t change them and won’t make anybody feel any better (either you or the person whom you’ve hurt). Do what you can to put things right, resolve to do better in the future, and move on.
Likewise, letting go of anger or grudges will bring about a surprising sense of peace. Think about it – how does holding onto these negative emotions help you? And do you think they hurt those against whom you hold them more than they hurt you? Not at all. They are your emotions and you are the only person whom they can harm.
Of course, it can be very difficult to forgive someone who’s hurt you, but what I’ve come to realize is that most people don’t maliciously set out to hurt others, and those who do are deeply unhappy themselves. The motivation behind their action was most probably some kind of fear rather than deliberately wanting to cause hurt or pain. And thought of in that context, it’s easier to let it go.
And with a little bit of practice at forgiveness, you may even find yourself getting less annoyed or angry with people in future. When you can shrug things off and not take things personally (it’s really about them, and not you at all), you’ll have a greater sense of inner peace. Our happiness is determined by how we think about the events in our lives, rather than by the events themselves. Take charge of your thoughts and you take charge of your emotions.
To achieve inner peace, you also need to let go of worry. Hmm, another tricky one! Worry is similar to guilt. Worrying about what might or might not happen is completely unproductive, and totally destroys your ability to enjoy the present moment. A great shame that, as the present moment is all we really have.
Practicing Yoga & Meditation is a great way to achieve inner peace and something I am very mindful of doing as often as possible
So, how do we learn to let go of worries, guilt, and anger? Well, the first thing is to become consciously aware of what we’re thinking whenever we feel worried, guilty, or angry. Notice what’s going on in your inner dialogue, and acknowledge that it’s your thoughts about the external event that’s causing you to feel the way you do, and not the event itself. Then reframe your thoughts to reflect on what’s going on around you in a more positive light. Whenever you catch yourself thinking about an old thought, banish it immediately and replace it with the new one.
“No one can create negativity or stress within you. Only you can do that by virtue of how you process your world.”
Dr. Wayne Dyer
This will take a lot of practice but with patience and persistence you will develop a lighter inner dialogue that promotes a feeling of well-being and inner peace, and the world will feel like a far better place to live in!
I hope you found some value in this post. I would love for you to comment and share
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